The Laughing Gnome

I was walking down the high street,
When I heard footsteps behind me.
And there was a little old man ([Hello!])
In scarlet and gray, chuckling away

Well he trotted back to my house
And he sat beside the telly ([Ahh!])
With his tiny hands on his tummy
Chuckling away, laughing all day

"I ought to report you to the Gnome Office."
["Gnome Office? Ahahahah!"]

Ha, ha, ha, hee, hee, hee
I'm a laughing gnome and you can't catch me
Ha, ha, ha, hee, hee, hee
I'm a laughing gnome and you can't catch me,
Said the laughing gnome

Well I gave him roasted toadstools,
And a glass of dandelion wine. ([*burp* Pardon...])
Then I put him on a train to Eastbourne.
Carried his bag, and gave him a fag.

["Have you got a light, boy?"]
"Here, where do you come from?"
["Gnome-man's land, heehee!"]
"Oh, really?"

In the morning, when I woke up,
He was sitting on the edge of my bed,
With his brother, whose name was Fred.
He'd brought him along to sing me a song.

"Alright, let's hear it... 'ere, what's that clicking noise?"
["That's Fred, he's a metro-gnome, haha!"]

Ha, ha, ha, hee, hee, hee
I'm a laughing gnome and you can't catch me
Ha, ha, ha, hee, hee, hee
I'm a laughing gnome and you can't catch me

["Oh now, I'm a gnome, anyway, haha!"]
"Haven't you got a home to go to?"
["No, we are gnome-ads, hehe!"]
"Didn't they teach you to get your hair cut at school? You look like a rolling gnome."
["Nah, not at the London school of Eco-gnome-ics."]

Now they're staying up me chimney,
And we're living on caviar and honey ([Hurray!])
Cause they're earning me lots of money
Writing comedy prose for radio shows

"It's the, errrr... it's the gnome-service, yes, of course!"

Ha, ha, ha, hee, hee, hee
I'm a laughing gnome and you can't catch me
Ha, ha, ha, hee, hee, hee
(Oh, dear me...)
I'm a laughing gnome and you can't catch me
([One more time!])
Ha, ha, ha, hee, hee, hee
I'm a laughing gnome and you can't catch me